Since having continuous sobriety, my body is aware of vibrations.
The Yearn.
Hallow piece of the heart. Feels the Yearn. Wanting something that is not ours to have. The Yearn. In fact, what we possess, in the end of it all, is simply ourselves. Perhaps the Yearn is something we see in others. Something we see, that strikes a chord in us. A chord we have not yet learned how to play. Perhaps. A chord that looks impossible to play, so we seek longingly in another to play it for us. And, at our command. Perhaps, the Yearn is subconsciously a Co dependent thought, feeling, emotion. We depend on another to fulfill the desire, the need, the quality we so admire in them. We feel insecure. If that want is not fulfilled, we yearn in our pain. We feel a loss. We yearn in hope. We wait for the message to be received and returned. We wait by the phone. When will they call. When will they answer to my hopes, to my want, to my pain. The yearn, unanswered leaves us feeling incomplete, incompetent, unworthy.
What I yearn in you, I yearn in me. Your confidence, uniqueness, your art, your brain, your clever ways. I do not yearn for you. I yearn the idea of you. Fulfilling every last detail that has yet to be polished, within myself. I yearn…I yearn…I yearn…
No more. No more do I yearn for you. For, I have what I need and I am perfect. I have what I want, for I work for it. For I can fulfill my desires, for I dream of them. It is an inside job. It is an inside job. It is an inside job. You can never give me more than what I can give myself. You can never give me more than I can give myself. You can never give me more than I can give myself.
I yearn no more. I caught the fine line, tripping too many times. The difference between wanting someone in their full. I do not want you so I will feel full. Infatuation vs. Love. Fine line. Brain teaser. Heart pleaser. The difference is clear. Oh. So. Clear.
I will feel the Yearn. Know, that it is simply a message to reach inside myself. What I yearn in you, I yearn I me. I will reach down through the tunnels of my heart to find what that yearn means. Within me. Can I fulfill it, myself?
Infatuation vs. Love.
Fine lines. Fine lines. Fine lines.
Just random thoughts by Nicole. No specific reason. Just thinking.
Partnered Love
My mind wanders.
Could this be real love?
The possibility is always there, I suppose.
Yet. Real love is inside, in here.
Where the well empties, and fills. My well empties, in hope.
That you could love me.
Why is it important that you do?
I ask.
Is it important, at all.
You see,
I do just fine.
On my own.
I have a pen and paper.
My own sanctuary within Silence.
I call home.
Got my kid. Got a fish.
Got a place with a wooden deck.
I put back my pieces
When I feel wrecked.
I soothe my own tears.
I soothe my own colds.
I have already imagined.
Alone,
Growing old.
Within a peace.
Within the light of my own truth.
Not questioned by another.
Not bent by another.
Within the light of my own truth.
I am responsible.
My mind wanders.
As my heart lays still.
My mind wanders.
As my heart lays still.
I wish my mind could find a place to rest.
Thing is.
It is possible.
To settle up. Where the clouds hover.
To combine souls that lift each other higher.
It is possible. To love greater. Fear should not be a step I take.
I should just let it go. Say what I really mean.
Not gonna put a dollar on it.
Gamble on my foundation.
There is much to lose.
And I can’t go down again.
To that place where I have lost myself, before.
Yet. Is it possible. We could play music together. Combine minds and rhythms.
Words.
Entangle our poetry. Winding down the road of a blank page.
To the end.
It is possible.
It is possible.
It is possible. To trust.
Something greater than I could simply just show myself.
Anything is possible.
So, I won’t gamble on my foundation.
But I will leap into an unknown.
From my foundation.
Wanna jump?
Surrender
I can feel myself internally resisting. It is a battle. Like, pushing against a wall. A wall that won’t budge. I push. I push. I push. I pushed all day in the past. Sometimes several days, sometimes, years. Years would fly by me. Slowly and steadily, I got lower and lower to the floor. I couldn’t see over the wall. I couldn’t see anything but a phantom of myself. I open my heart. Or, rather, my heart is open. Only fear may close it. Slowly, it closes, as I resist the door to shut. Today, I realized what this was. Today I realized what to do.
When that internal resistance begins, it simply means that I am letting the fear begin. What fear. Well, the fear of something I have always known. We have no control over anything. Anything but ourselves. How we react to our own minds. For as I said before, our hearts and souls have known the truth, all along.
When that internal resistance begins, I am aware now, that I am subconsciously closing the door of love and opening up the door to my fear. The fear of being un-loved. Yet, love reaches me as far as I let it reach inside of myself. Therefore, I reach…All the way down. I own it. I own that fear and shut it’s door. Open the page of a notebook and fill it. I fill it with the colors of my soul. And, I don’t care. I don’t care if you understand this. Only I need to. Understand the ways of my heart. Only I. And, I don’t care to hide it. If I hide it, my fear has won. My fear has made its mask. A mask I choose to wear everyday of my limited time here. Forget that. Not going to do it.
I open up the doors of my love. I can only hope you walk inside it’s home. Where we can be free. Talk quietly in a peaceful dance. Be free. Laugh at the small things. Be free. Cuddle our thoughts into a slumber and breathe with deep relief. I can only hope. And I am okay, otherwise. For, I have been putting myself to bed my whole life. I haven’t failed to wake up yet.
The resistance. I let go. With a release. I let it go into the dark. The release, it lights up my sky. And explodes like fireworks. Lay back. Watch the colors of my soul spark. Watch the colors of my soul celebrate its independence. Watch. Watch. Watch.
Your turn.
I Am Love
Your presence took down a wall inside of me. I honor the fall.
I built bricks around my heart. It was necessary for my survival. It was necessary for I needed time to discover my independence.
Behind that wall. I grounded myself.
Behind that wall, I realized what is important. Myself. My health. My sanity. And by sanity, I mean paying my bills, and letting my soul fly. Being a good mama and adult. And, using my imagination, pure as a child. Letting Art Fly.
Your presence took down a wall. Yet, I feel responsible for continuing my independence. By this, I mean, knowing how to hold myself. Hold myself, as I lay alone in thought of you, holding me. By this, I mean, continuing this road of imagination, for the dream is still my dream. Difference is, I let you inside that dream. The visions.
You were drawn to this. Yes? I honor the fallen wall, for I will continue with my dreams. Writing, singing, pride, mama, working my butt off kind of lady.
No one is responsible for my joy. No one is responsible for my pain. Only I. Only I am responsible.
I have been doing this for some time now. I honor this still, just without that wall. I took down that wall, in your presence, so you could see me. See me in my revelations. See me up close.
I honor your presence.
I honor my presence.
I honor the subconscious mask to be unworn.
In front of you.
In front of myself.
For, I am love.
For I am love.
For I am love.
And, love.
Always.
Prevails.
Connected
In the past, I only listened to the thoughts of my mind, the ache I felt in my heart.
Since having continuous sobriety, my body is aware of vibrations. Since eating correctly (foods specific for my dietary needs), my body is aware of vibrations.
I cleanse everyday, through diet and exercise. I have no veils covering my body via alcohol, other drugs (including food). Certain carbohydrates, refined sugar and so on….for myself, poisoned my body. Like I always say, to each their own. Put into yourself, as you will. Your body, your decision.
I have noticed, over the course of a year, my body feels strong vibrations. Connection. I understand when something is off balance, for I feel it. Not in my mind, but running through my muscles and nerves, with the speed of my heartbeat.
When this happens, I pound out pushups. Or, I light a candle and watch the flame dance, until my body is at rest. When my body is at rest, my thoughts are clear, un-fragmented. Focused. It is then, I connect to the higher power, the Universe. We are connected. We are connected to the rhythms of water, wind, the moon. The stillness of the stars. Each other.
My mind simply filters what my body is telling it. It then can draw words to describe the feeling. It can sing to release the vibration into the air. Or, my mind can simply rest.
This is how my connection works. The mind works the body. Body works with the mind. Together, the soul is fed. Fed with the next move into the unknown. The flight.
The rhythm is all around us. May I always simplify my Soul is accordance to nature.
Peaceful Heart
Sweet soul. Love of mine.
How did you find me?
Did you hear me cry, silently.
Those nights where I couldn’t fill in my loneliness. Those nights where my strings hit lonely chords, releasing empty sounds.
Those nights where my writings were beautifully aching, where each word wept onto a page. Until the page was painted in black.
The loneliness wasn’t a need.The loneliness wasn’t depression or sadness. The loneliness wasn’t there because I didn’t know how to love myself. Wasn’t there because I didn’t feel at peace being alone. The loneliness was a condition. I knew there was a piece missing in my life. I knew I didn’t hold the piece. I looked for it. Under my pillow. I looked for it, within every turn. I looked for it in the stars. I looked for it, everywhere I could think, to look for it. I stopped looking for the piece I could not fill within myself. I could only continue my path and trust what crossed the light of my path. I was okay with my tears. They didn’t scare me. I admitted to them. Therefore, they did not defeat me. I surrendered to them, therefore, I did not fight them. I let them fall. As far as they needed to fall. I let them go. I was okay with them.
I am a warrior seeking a Peaceful heart everyday. I know that peace does not equate to happiness. For myself, Peace is loving and accepting myself. Staying true to my feelings. And, working though those feelings, until they become the past. For a moment is just that. A part of the present becoming the past.
Did you hear me. Did you hear me through the quaint loft windows. Pencil hitting pages. Voice hitting the microphone. Describing this loneliness. This ache for a piece of home. Describing this particular loneliness through poetic rhythms, as I gazed out the window to the leaves of tall trees.Through the rage of Washington rain. Did you hear me smile? I smile alot, too. A whole lot. For within the ache, I express gratitude. For within the ache, I still know what love means.
Did you hear me speak to my higher self within the Universe, while laying in bed? Asking questions about my destiny. Asking questions about my next step, my next move into my next thought? Did you hear me hit the floor, tired. Soul Tired. Holding myself. Holding myself strong. I do that too. I know how to hold myself. Strong.
I have always been here. I will always be right here. In the center of my world. Reaching out in words. Reaching out in touch. Reaching out through a song. Reaching out in a chord. Reaching. Reaching. Reaching. I always reach. For, in the reach, my stride gains. I take small and long strides, as I stroll the path. Even when I am low, I reach high.
Did you hear this? I believe so, my love.
And, there is more to hear. I never stop singing, speaking, writing, sharing, loving, respecting. This is what keeps me alive. I want to stay alive, as long as I live.
Right now, that ache is a memory. I ache differently now. As in, I want to fulfill more so into the well of my deepest thought and desire. I want the flame to burn higher. Do you understand this? Two flames together. Burning bright. Outlasting the lonely ache that burns the soul down. That loneliness was burning my flame down, with a quiet wind. I couldn’t find a match. I looked. You struck it. You had that match. My match.
Hear me now. Closer. Watch the flame burn closer. Closer. Closer. Closer.
Until.
There.
Is.
Nothing.
Left.
My name is Nicole. I live in Washington State. I am a single, co-parenting mother to my 6 year old son. I am recovering on a daily basis. I spent 30 days in treatment in the year 2014. I am living the life I have created out of the love for myself, and the love for my son. Self care always come first. It is not possible to take care of anything, or anyone else if I don’t care for self. I am happy to do so. Recovery has given me my life. I am forever grateful.
