You’re newly sober and feeling great. Maybe you’re attending meetings, or regular therapy sessions; perhaps you’ve picked up a new hobby, like running or volunteering. You feel healthy and like you’re reaching your full potential, and you want to share that joy with someone. But there are nagging questions: how long should you be sober before dating? Are there sober dating sites?
Sober dating is hard, especially if you’re relatively new to recovery. Heck, any dating is difficult—just look at the number of people who are tired of dating apps. However, dating for sober people provides unique challenges. Even the best relationships have ups and downs, and you’ll need to navigate those without relying on unhealthy coping techniques. So, when can it be done? Here’s what tradition says about how long to be sober before dating:
Dating in AA
Traditionally, in AA, there’s an idea that you should be sober for at least one year before dating. Whether you’re following a 12-step program or not, this is a good rule of thumb. You can think of it as a guideline for when you can jump into meeting potential significant others.
At first glance, a year might feel like a long time. That’s especially true if you’re feeling lonely—which some people do after eliminating toxic people and friends with whom the relationship was built on using.
And yet, there are many reasons to wait a year before dating. As you know, getting sober isn’t a one-off decision, but an ongoing choice. During the first year, you’ll be spending a lot of energy healing physically, mentally, and emotionally. You might feel like you don’t know who you are without substances. It’s cheesy, but the first year is a time to date yourself: getting to know who you are, showering the new you with love and appreciation, and following through on the promises you’ve made yourself.
When you fall in love (or have sex), your brain releases chemicals that act on some of the same receptors impacted by substance use. Because of that, dating can feel really great during the first year, but it can also distract you from the healing that you really need to do.
Logistically, the first year is also very busy. You’re probably going to meetings and therapy, doing job interviews, and catching up on all the health care you delayed while you were abusing substances (dental cleaning, anyone?). That can make it hard to find time to date, while still maintaining your wellness routine.
Finally, there’s the risk of relapse. Unfortunately, relapse is part of the recovery process for many people, and the risk is high during the first year. Staying focused on your routines can help you avoid relapse, and not needing to worry about a relationship might allow you to recover from a relapse faster.
How to know when you’re ready to date
Of course, there’s no magic transformation that happens when you hit 365 days of sobriety. Hopefully, over the first year you become more and more healthy—but for some people the process takes longer.
When you start feeling ready to date again, take time to reflect on how far you’ve come since you decided to get sober. You might even choose to journal about that, and why now is the right time to start dating. Then, as yourself these questions:
- What routines are most important to maintaining your sobriety? How will dating and maintaining a relationship impact those?
- What goals are you working toward? Can you continue to pursue those while also putting time, energy, and money into dating?
- What scares you about sober dating? This can help you identify issues that you still need to work through. Consider relationship mistakes that you’ve made in the past, and reflect on how you can avoid them now.
- How will you talk about your recovery? There’s no right or wrong answer, but think about what you’re comfortable sharing with potential romantic partners, and when you’d like to share it. Since “grabbing a drink” is a common first date activity, consider how you’ll respond or what you could suggest instead (these sober date ideas can help).
Are there sober dating sites?
Lots of people are tired of dating apps, which can feel like a black hole. Sober dating sites offer you a smaller pool of people (less endless swiping), who share a common language around addiction, recovery, and sobriety.
Sober dating sites can be a good way to ease into dating. You won’t need to worry about revealing your sobriety, and the other person won’t raise an eyebrow when you decide to meet for coffee, not drinks. Some people in recovery find that they prefer to only date people who are also sober.
In some cases, however, dating another sober person can be difficult. You might have opinions about each others’ progress, or trigger each other unintentionally. Of course, any relationship can have baggage, but someone else’s addiction-related traumas might feel a bit too close to your own.
Dating people who aren’t sober
Once you’re very secure in your sobriety, you may be willing to date people who recreationally use drugs or alcohol without negative consequences. Like dating sober people, this has benefits and drawbacks. It requires you to be very honest with yourself and your partner about how comfortable you are in certain situations.
If you’re considering dating someone who is not sober, ask yourself:
- Are you comfortable explaining your definition of sobriety? Some people might not be familiar with sayings and customs that have become second nature to you.
- Do you have concerns about being around alcohol (or recreational drugs)? This is personal and depends on your specific relationship with substances, but it’s entirely fine to steer clear. You’ll just need to share that with your partner is ok with that.
- Longterm, will you allow alcohol or substances in your home? Is your partner in agreement?
- Does your partner understand recovery? If not, are you comfortable teaching them about addiction and recovery?
Sober dating is hard, but it can be beautiful too. Being able to move into your best life and share it with another person is fulfilling and can be the ultimate manifestation of a healthy, sober life. While it may take time to be comfortable dating sober, it’s well worth the wait.
Kelly Burch is a freelance journalist who regularly writes about addiction, recovery and mental health issues. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, Vice, and more. Kelly isn’t in recovery herself, but comes from a family that has been touched by addiction in many ways. When she isn’t writing, Kelly enjoys kayaking or getting lost in the woods of rural New Hampshire, where she lives. Connect with Kelly via her website, Facebook or Twitter.