I can accomplish anything, by following the path of my heart.
Power of Complacency
All I would have to do is exchange green paper. Green paper for a bottle of illusion. Why do I not trade in my reality for this? Easy, over the counter. In and out in 1, 2, 3. ZAP. I am done for. I don’t trade the green paper in. I put it in my pocket and walk past the glass windows, where pretty bottles dance. They don’t hear the music. They don’t remember words. They don’t follow dreams. I put my money back, retract to where the thought derived. Boom. “I am over the drink”. Ha. The power of complacency rears us powerless. Again, I fight another day to drive back down the road to my sober home. I park. I stop. I find myself again~Nicole
I wrote this little piece a couple of days ago. It is about the power of complacency. I was not in danger of literally drinking alcohol. Yet, picking up a drink begins with one thought. I take that one thought seriously. I recognize it. I work with it, unravel the idea. “Why am I thinking about booze?” I found, I was being complacent in my life.
“Oh, it is a given I will exercise.”
“Oh, it is a given I will eat healthy.”
“Oh, it is a given I won’t drink or smoke.”
Given. It’s a given.
Since when?
There was a time all I did was drink and smoke. Make poor dietary decisions. Sleep all day long. Lifting up the bottle of beer was my exercise.
That, also, was a “given”.
I changed all that a while back. Days add up. Complacency takes a seat on the bus load of thought.
I was complacent for 2 weeks to set my daily goals, which are my Daily Reprieve.
I said in conversation, “Oh, yes. I am totally over alcohol.”
Ha. Being over alcohol is like being over the death of a loved one. I will never be over it.
I adjusted my thought. I realized where I faulted. Then adjusted into action accordingly from there.
It is easy to fall into our own traps. We rebel. Our egos become thick. Life will humble us, whether we wish it to or not. Stay humble. Stay in gratitude.
We are one thought away from distaster. We are one thought away from the light. Our choice. Our minds.
For today, I chose to focus on my Daily Reprieve. Put a barrier between myself and external noise. For today, I choose to be humble. For in humility, I may walk with Grace.
Soul Crush
Feelings of yearn. Yearning to walk through the home of another soul. A Soul that carries a light. Like a candle through your dark rooms. Guiding you through your doors, with their light.
The Soul that has a lesson to teach you, of yourself. No such thing as a good lesson, or a bad lesson. A lesson is a lesson. It can not be unlearned. It simply is the prerequisite for the next class of lessons.
The Soul Crush
That Soul who squashes or enlightens what you think you already know. You can see your reflection, in them, even from afar. Like the sky reflects the ocean, in their vast distance of eachother.
The Soul Crush
The Soul Crush is not romantic, although the Soul may misconstrue this perception. The Crush does not need flowers, or a door held open for them. Flowers and doors, although a thoughtful gesture are null, in the Soul Crush. Flowers die. Doors shut.
The Soul Crush
Opens up our hearts. Gives us a song to write. Gives us poetry to recite. Makes that gaze onto a star last longer. Gives a feeling of Peace.
The Soul Crush
The Soul Crush doesn’t reach for more than it needs, from another soul. Wanting more than what we need happens, but we learn to live without something that was never meant to be ours.
The Soul Crush
Appreciating the beauty of another. Loving their autonomous being. Respecting their boundaries. The highest form of intimacy.
We look at the same moon. We look onto the same sky. We walk on the dirt of our own paths. We face our own fears. Separately, together. Crush the lies. Crush the infatuation. Crush the dreams unreal. Dive into the truth. Dive into real love. Dive into dreams, real.
Soul Crush. Meant to teach. Meant to show you how you want to represent your being.
Many of Crushes I have had, walking back to my own Soul.
Perspective
Loneliness. It is not being “alone”, physically or emotionally. My loneliness. It is an ache. A longing. I am forever walking back home. To find my home has been moved. Right when I am ready to open the door. Ready to rest.
It is this ache. Like, I love so many angles at once. Overwhelmingly. Like, I want every person I love, there. Every flower that caught my eye, with its decadent flavor of scent, to be planted. In my backyard. My garden. All of them.
It is this gut wrenching, soul crushing reach for something. I reach. I reach. I reach. Into nothing. I see my hand reach. The veins in my hand are prominent. My skin is thinning. My bones look more delicate than I have ever seen them. I see the change, as I reach. I reach for something, in my room. My room is dark in a night. Only the lamp post across the street bares it’s light, emulating a moon shine. I look for the moon.
Loneliness. I am not lonely for a person, place or thing. Just this feeling of time that is absolute. Full circle. I think what I lonely for is Peace.
The feeling passes through me, like vapor. You can see it rise in the light. Dissipate in the dark. I rise in the light. I dissipate in the dark. Just another person going to sleep. Wondering what dreams my mind will discover deep in its subconscience.
It isn’t dire, this loneliness.
It has been there, since I was young.
I have always felt it.
I drank the poisons to forget it. Yet, it didn’t forget.
I can take it now. Turn my vision into words. Delicately paint the vision with careful sentences.
I live for it. The ache. The search. The words.
Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?
I will forever search this place I search for. The flowers. The garden. All the love.
Daily quote
They always say, “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” I have a twist on this. The mind is the filter. It makes the conscience decisions of what the heart has always known. The heart fills with Truths. The mind acknowledges that truth through making the decision to take action, or not. Sometimes no action is the action. Seeds are planted in the mind, the heart nourishes the rate and growth of the seed. Some seeds die in a soil unfit.
I believe, one can accomplish anything if that idea is true to the heart. If I set my heart to it, I can accomplish anything. The heart is the silent voice behind every action. And, the action is the loudest gesture of the hearts desire. The hearts absolute truth.
I can accomplish anything, by following the path of my heart.
My heart as taken me down every road I have ever walked, crawled, strolled. My path is fogged, for only the step in front of me is Golden. Just one step. All I need to see, feel, learn. One step at a time.
The heart.
The heart.
The heart.
All heart.
My name is Nicole. I live in Washington State. I am a single, co-parenting mother to my 6 year old son.I am recovering on a daily basis. I spent 30 days in treatment in the year 2014. I am living the life I have created out of the love for myself, and the love for my son. Self care always come first. It is not possible to take care of anything, or anyone else if I don’t care for self. I am happy to do so. Recovery has given me my life. I am forever grateful.